Visions

Lately I've been having the most intense dreams, and now all I can think about are these fucking dreams. Im traveling to places ive never even seen, im talking in languages that are strange to me, nothing looks familiar yet im so happy. I jump on stage and dive into the crowd, I see random kids with MV shirts and having drunken nights all over the world.

I think my dreams are right...i dont want to be here anymore. I've grown out of the town I grew up in. I feel like a fucking child waiting for christmas to come around, but more like hoping it will come around and not be lost. I have the hardest time sleeping now too, i keep thinking about going on tour, all the new faces ill meet, the random late night conversations, getting lost, fuck ups durring performaces and i find myself smiling and laughing at my white cieling like a mad man.

I hate that im just waiting for things to pick up with the band, were in a "recession" due to complications but im sure it will all work out. its just frustrating, my clothing line is on hold until the album unfolds. For those of you who know why I follow my passion so hard, i keep thinking about it and it makes me want to play till my lungs collapse, i cant study for my mid terms because i keep day dreaming about being on the god dam road...

Medusa knows how to love

It really bothers me that there are people out there that allow themselves to be put in a cage by a lover. "Lover" the person who is suppost to support you in anything you do, see the best in your personality and flaws, and be nothing short of your best friend. Yet "some", (when you are good at something or recognised for something aesthetic that sparks others interest in you in any form) jump to conclusions/insecurities and try to cage you in their own selfish desires. In turn some people give into their lovers demand, stop following their dreams, break friendships with people, ingnore others, turn their lives into stone,etc... I've seen people that have hollow eyes that simply stare out and speak of nothing but nonsense, like living zombies. I was once told "a waste of talent is the saddest thing for another to bare", a quote that has pushed me through some of my hardest times. I have a grim time understanding how people can be so "weak minded" to allow another to control them out of "love".

If the person that loves you cant see the beauty in you for every talent, flaw, insecurity, and dreadful part of you, do they really love you? Are you with them because they respect you as a being and they enhance your days/goals or your own private insecurities and needs?? Maybe im being stupid but i think we all need to grow the fuck up and realise that relationships can be "best-friendships" before "lovers" and not the other way around. It all makes sense in my head, or i might be crazy. I'd rather not go into detail though, you either understand it or you dont.

I insist everyone to follow your passions patiently, and never let anyone get in the way of your dreams,goals, and close friendships.....in the end all we really have is ourselfs and our dignity. Fuck anyone who tries to stain them. I am tired of the people in my life that are like this, I know it may be grim but I guess some things just cant be saved.

Goodbye dear friend.

Adventures of Motza and Dradell

Tuna sandwitch at Toms farms with ben was so fucking good!! Got to work with a daylight lightbulb and shoot with my good friend Jade. We were having the hardest time with the shoot, but Jade handled it like a champ.


A grunge vintage look, funny that we shot this in my room and we had several accidents....including me farting over jade....awkward much :]

Saturday I met up with my two buttholes Emily and Kiana. By far the craziest "sober" girls ive ever known. Busted a mission to visit our friend Tamara and Matty at their new appartment. Not before we stopped at a Carls Jr/KFC/Green Burrito all in one fast food joint in the middle of downtown la. Stuffed my face with a terriyaki burger...Tamara's new puppy ate a doggy cupcake. Anyone else know they made them?? ha ha The night ended up going from a art/fashion show to some ghetto party! fml . no sleep. no sleep. no sleep. 7am :]

Too early. too early. half asleep. Sunday was the day to finish my essay but nope, fucking amanda just had to mess everything up. Like little jewish fat asses we wobbled our way to costco and pigged the fuck out on pizza and churros!! Road trip to Santa Monica blasting indie music and dancing lol! The rides are too expensive and the aquarium lets you touch things for $2...prostituting star fish lol. Of course we happend to run into the only jewish shark and traveled to the land of Matzaballs and Dradells only to have a "monkey" have us travel to aushwitz and u turn ha ha!!

This weekend was deffinately needed, the next few weeks are going to be hell! Sometimes the most lucid personalities and random conversations will make my night. :]

Homeless Hearts

I got 4 hrs of sleep and a pound of piscaccio's, I was off to San Francisco. After randomly running into people dressed up as japanese samuri I spotted a homeless man surrounded by several other "bums". My curiousity lead me to walk up and talk to him. His name was Tony, he was holding a thick stack of small news papers The newspaper is created and edited by local homeless writers who want to bring awareness to issues the homeless were having. I liked him, every other "bum" was asking me for change whith toothless mouths...I dont support habbits. Tony asked me to donate to help raise awareness, the first homeless man I've met who was trying to make a differnce for the poor and drug addicted people of SF....at a quick glance one would of never seen his heart or his wings.

I kept walking around, these dam birds were everywhere. Tell me they dont look evil ha ha! I opened up Tony's newspaper and noticed that SF is trying to pass a new law that didnt allow anyone to "Sit/Lay" on sidewalks from 9am-7pm. The article clearly pointed out that the homeless were being attacked. I understand that the homeless issue is huge in SF (seeing how I couldnt take 10 steps without seeing a homeless person today) but, how would this law help them in any way. Wouldnt it just make things harder for everyone??

Artwork was everywhere, the odd thing was that no one would tag over these murals. Respect.

Made my way over to the Cheesecake Factory!!!.....Pigged the fuck out on the balcony!

Went over to some theater to randomly watch a broadway play called Wicked. First off, I saw a musical for the first time 2 weeks ago and I fucking hated it. Second, no one told me this shit was a fucking musical until after I got the $100+ ticket. FML. The play wasn't bad, im not to into theater so dont take my opinion to heart. The little kids that sat around me went APE SHIT!! The costumes, singing, decorations, and set design where insane. At the end of the play they made a speech to help out a "HIV non-profit" organization that has been doing bad since the recession hit. Its nice to see that not everyone is an asshole.

This trip ends with my best friend Vanessa and Kathy picking me up and calling me a cheap jew! My friends are THE BEST IN THE WEST!!! As sad as this sounds, I still feel like I havent gone out or eased my mind.....I.need.to.ESCAPE.

Road Signs

I couldn't sleep last night for some reason...woke up at 7am feeling like a crack whore. My grandpa was watching tv, I noticed his finger was still by his mouth about an hour later. I couldn't stop laughing in my head over the thought that I kept thinking he was trying to look sexy for the pictures I was taking.

An hour and $2.56 worth of cheap coffee later I was on my little road trip to visit family in Guerneville. This escape is an isolated town well known for its tall trees and its aesthetic gay community. The sign read "Welcome to Guerneville" but in my head it read "Welcome back to the past". I felt a hint of nerviousness on the notion of seeing my family again and their reaction to all my piercings and tattoos...

I entered the small downtown area no larger than a football field, the place was flooded with several authentic "Mom and Pop" stores. It was nice to see that corperate america didn't have its filthy fucking hands everywhere. I spotted a dog..."Whats it looking at??"

The sign read "Nexus", it had a very captivating energy. The walls were covered in lucid artwork and elegant furniture from local artisians. In a child like awe I found myself standing in the middle of the place.

Nexus is run by Rex and Buck and they had a large assortment of organic, hand-made, original art work. It gave me a good taste of the aesthetic culture that thrives in such an accepting community. I now found a place of "Worth" to tell amanda about!!

Overall the shop was really friendly and could genuinely uplift anyones mood with its diverse artwork. You can check more of it out at Nexusorganic.com

I continued my journey nearing close to the 70yrd line ish area ha ha and walked by a vintage gay bar, two women walked out who seemd to be having the time of their lives. I decided to capture the beauty of it forever.

I decided to check out the local neighborhood, I went down some little road and ran into this fucking asshole. As I roamed around and had my face burried in my camera lens the little bastard would run up to my legs and try to bite me!! He somehome managed to chase me off but not before I took his dam picture, i named him "Bastard Hitler" :]

Side note: if you look at the middle of the picture, there is someone standing in the distance watching me, the white spec above the grass line is his arm. I didnt notice it untill I was uploading the pictures, wierd no?? I should go back and shit on his porch for not handling his dog ha ha.

I got to my families house, "fuck my life". To my surprise they weren't startled by my appearance lol. I was nothing less than a child when I last bared eyes on them. We had a quick dinner and talked about past issues, long story short everything was settled... unreal

The tree's really do tower over everthing, it was deffinately a relaxing, anxious, and unexpected adventure. I urge anyone who is really stressed to visit an isolated city and embrace it for a day.

Gravedigger

So im back in my old town, the place that taught me so little about life and so much over friendships. My grandfather was the first thing I saw, 5 years since I last saw his aged face. For the first time in my life, I noticed my grandpa and I have the same deformed ears (the tips dont curl in) ha ha !